Right now I am sitting with the reality that I am losing people in my life over god. I am not the type of person who likes to go around offending people. I care what people think of me more than I care to admit. I knew when I started this blog that it was only a matter of time before I would have to be more open, and I walked into this fully prepared to lose people.
It’s different when it starts happening.
In most areas of my life religion is meaningless. Most people I encounter don’t care what anyone believes about god. Existing in that world makes me wonder why I bother talking about this topic to the point of upsetting anyone. But this is why. It may be the single thing that inspired me to write my very first post here.
To some people belief is everything. Just a hint of disbelief can be enough to discard a friendship. And if you have family members who feel this way? I don’t know what happens, I’m still waiting to find out. Many Christians will hold out hope for you unless you confirm it for them. Should they read this blog, I suppose that’s pretty good confirmation.
When I share this part of my life with Christian friends, I will be breaking bad news to them. I will have to fight the urge to apologize. It’s weird how Christians never need to “break the news” of found faith. And then what happens after I tell them? I wait. Some I will lose right away, no further questions asked. Others will disappear more gradually. Some will want to fight for my soul.
I will be at best a victim and at worst a villain. But I will certainly be pitied.
And I am angry about it. I don’t deserve it. My inability to believe in god is so insignificant, and yet here I am making myself sick over the anticipation of what is about to happen in yet another relationship. It’s going to be traumatic and it will all feel unnecessary, but I will be dragged through it anyway. I will explain myself, even though I was never obligated to be anything for them. If you have followed my blog, you may notice I have become an expert at explaining myself.
But that won’t be enough. I’ll still be wrong because I don’t believe. It will be my fault that there is conflict. It will be me who is accused of persecuting Christians for my lack of faith and decision to write about it. My feelings will be secondary, because between an atheist and a Christian? The atheist has always been the bad guy.